Knock , Knock I knocked at heaven's door this morning. God  asked me...'My child, what can I do for you?' And I said, 'Father, please  protect and bless the person reading this message.' God smiled and  answered...'Request granted'. Send this to seven people and  the one who sent it to you. By doing this, you have succeeded in praying for eight people today. 'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

Thanks for all of the kind words and support you have given us over the last few months.  J and I are strong people. with the help of each other we will get thru this!

I really miss updates from you!  I might have to pick your brain later on.  I would love to go to Sanibel Island.  We always vacationed on Siesta Key.  I have been telling John he would love Sanibel!

Thanks again!   Take care of yourself!

Liz

I can't help but wonder if the "michael" you're referring to is my Dad or not (commonsensechristian)...  In any case, many thanks for the sweet comment on my last entry... yeah, I'm kind of falling apart right now...  I guess the mind and body can only take so much...  I've been a cutter for almost 13 years now, so I've had my share of falling apart, and probably tried every "Trick" in the book to keep from doing it...  I can just never seem to get past the 6 month mark... managing to stop cutting for any length of time is extremely trying...  I just have to find a way to get through this.

Thank you for helping to encourage me, it will help me get through this rough patch.

Wendy

thank you for your comment.  especially the one about my daughter being adorable.  it's always nice to hear that! 

your trip to sanibel island sounds wonderfully relaxing!  wish you had some pics of it for us. 

yur right , i need a slap across my face..

 did you get my yahoo message ? plze dont ask /mention user name on here..thnx . just wundering.I see yur mobile allt he time. gtg .

but yur right carol.

`me

[dissapointedwife]

I am glad you had a wonderful time....it sounds GREAT...!!!

RYN:.... yes..it is him... God help me...

sounds lovely, make us jealous why dont ya .    jk. glad ya had 'you time ' with the ladies..lol

stay happy.

`me

[Endlesslovemaking]

This sounds wonderful  My sisters and brother and I try to do a long weekend or a week on the beaches of Lake Superior each August.  It's just so much fun to kick back with siblings when all the rivalry is gone.

Glad to have you back over here, and glad all is well!

Happy Spring!

Lori

i have no idea why i hang onto this marriage .. i know its for emily. i know you understand carol.. ..

i guess now i just feel guilt since i seen the bioble verses & such.. but  i do know he wants us to be happy too.

gtg. but hope all is well.

[dissapointedwife]

glad you had a good time!

only time will tell what to do bout your ex

Hi Carol,

Have you sorted out this stuff yet, my dear?

Emmi xxxx

[Ryene]

Thanks Carol xxxx

Emmi

NOW, I don't know how' the land lies' between your ex and yourself, but can I say something:  You need to make decisions for your own needs, for yourself. If you do nothing or if you leave it to someone else to make decisions for your life - that makes you just a commodity.  So, You made a decision, it was to leave him! OK, It's done, now instead of looking back to what has gone, turn and look ahead. Stand by your decision to be separate from him. He wants you to go to counselling with him?  It's his assumption that there's something wrong WITH YOU, and maybe a counsellor can persuade you to go back on your ALREADY made, decision.

Don't  allow yourself to be torn. There's a better life partner out there for you.

Emmi

Hi Carol.

I've been following along for a bit.  Come visit me sometime.  I understand about not being able to journal everyday.  It's like there's just so much to say...it could go on forever and it takes alot of energy and thought to get started.  I'd rather read along with everyone else's life and chime in from time to time.   Anyway...my heart goes out to you in your situation.  Your canoeing trip sounds like a treat...I would love that !!!  It seems like everyone on MDD is from Michigan...except for a few...  I'm from Texas !!  I look forward to getting to know you !!!! ~ Pam

thanks for the comment in my diary.  it's nice to know every once in a while someone's listening!

as for the therapy with your ex, i guess i'm kinda confused.  i don't know if he's saying this to try to mend the relationship, or trying to have a working relationship with you for the kids sake.  if he's doing it for the kids, you should definately go.  otherwise, that would be a decision completely up to you.i've always personally thought that relationships break for a reason.  but who knows, stranger things have happened!

my friend,.I wish I can offer advice. thats my fear, well sort of.. if /when I leave . THATS then he'll do something(when he'll finally care ), but his ways were here, and thats the reason we leave them .. idk what to say .

 We shdnt have to wait  to see/hear things after its OVER , they(feelings, thoughts.love) shud be there natuarlly when we are married, this is why we chose THEM, why we married them!..

I have said a prayer for you . I know you have told me, and written you love him.. and the kids, they are both yours.. Its tough..  im sorry, all i can think to say , is   get on your knees and pray about it . I think either way counceling wud be good.  You can still get some answers   why he was the way he was..  & maybe work from there .. God Bless.

((HUGS))

`me

[dissapointedwife]

lol....i have been recovering from my fun weekend with my best friend as well!!!  tired, tired, tired.

glad you had a good time, and it sounds like the location for the meeting was absolutely gorgeous!!

on the hubby issue?  i'd say if you still have feelings for him, it can't hurt to try counseling.  just don't go with the thinking that you will get back together.  don't set yourself up for any let downs.  but it could be very telling to attend counseling together.  it mite even show you that you DON'T want to get back together.  or it could go the other way. 

but it couldn't "hurt" right?

(not that i'm good on any kind of relationship advice...lol)

I know what you mean by your first sentence, about writing here every day. Life just gets in the way, sometimes.

It's great that you have such wonderful friends! Real friends are such a blessing...

you enjoy your girls nite too!!!!  i'll have a drink in honor of ya!!

lol

i "so" know what you mean about not being able to let things go.  but at the same time, sometimes it's just breaks us down NOT to....and then what good are we?

i wish i was better with turning things over to God.  it's not even that i don't trust him...it's just that i'm used to hanging onto things and letting them drive me into the ground...lol.

how silly is that?

that trip sounds so wonderful....just women....

like you....i'm been eagerly anticipating fall and all it brings.

hang in there.

i have it as private . I have to make sure some things are still ok.. lol. , then will open it to public again.(so --it wasnt just you) thnx though.

`me

Hi Carol,

Hahaha, You're like the wind, just blowing in for a brief visit, and then you're off again.

Thanks for your comments.

Emmi

[Ryene]

I was already a little afraid of dogs... Now I'm done with 'em.

hi Carol,

 thanks for you  comments. Actually, we arrived at our new home this morning after a 1 and 3/4 hour drive up the west coast road.It is fabulous, the house definitely needs cleaning and repainting , lots of repairs etc.... but, the moment we hit the road, out this way, I watched the stress drop from my darlings' shoulders and face.I'll take photos tomorrow and post them.

Emmi

hi Carol,

 thanks for you  comments. Actually, we arrived at our new home this morning after a 1 and 3/4 hour drive up the west coast road.It is fabulous, the house definitely needs cleaning and repainting , lots of repairs etc.... but, the moment we hit the road, out this way, I watched the stress drop from my darlings' shoulders and face.I'll take photos tomorrow and post them.

Emmi

  Hmmmm....the Dream Cruise. I like hearing that, because it means now I know one more of my favorites is close to where I live. I'm planning on setting up some kind of first reunion event for as many of my diary families that can make it, and now I know you're close by. I like that.
  Enjoy that time off! See you when you get back, and thanks for reminding all of us how much we should truly be thankful for!!!! See you later, Michael.

Dear Carol,

It is wonderful to read something so positive from you and YES we missed you!  Going back to what you wrote as recently as May, then back to this page, makes it look like you are suddenly all better.  But I remember the ups and downs, everyone would be so sad for me when I had a bad day, but I would tell them: it's just a bad day, I have good ones too!  It took a long time for me to know I would be OK; I hope you are at that point now.

All along you knew your family was a blessing; it helps to have that support.  If you are a praying person, I hope you are remembering to pray.

Peace,

[MontyMan]

so where is Mr High school now ?..lol

 Have a wonderful time & great vacation off from work. You deserve it . :)

stay happy.

`me

[dissapointedwife]

Hey, Carol.  Terri is one of my FAVORITE authors..I left her a message on her comments to 'let you in!'   Not sure how it's done once you are 'private', but rest assured she got the message.

A Dream cruise....sounds fun!  I'll putting my 'second shift' at K-Mart from 6 - 10, I'll imagine you and yours with your heads out the window and the wind flopping your ears!

Lori

[littlegirlstilllost]

thanks for your comment! that makes me feel good that you love them, i love getting comments.

and i'm not really engaged, if you read my prior entry then you'll see that i'm just completely obsessed with someone who has no idea.  i'm just planning our wedding now and i'll inform him later.

i love that you're in a happy place because i am too and it just feels really good!  I love that feel so content in my life and that i have wonderful things to look forward to.

Thanks for the nice comments!

The time you spent with your friends sounds wonderful. I wish I had more girlfriends to be able to that.

I can relate to the house projects. I'm always ripping up my home for the next "big project". My husband cringes.

 you shud make the GF wknd every month or so.  Im glad you had lots of fun. You neeed it & deserved it . :)

[dissapointedwife]

Thanks for the birthday wishes!  It was a great one.  Have a wonderful week!

Jenn

carol, hey there..

even though I will have all books up to date .. we are still using  a  manual register for bank accounts, he doesnt see much of the quick books , but wants to ..

So he does see when the funds of  in & out..

yea i cud hide it, but this not my style.. and either way , he sees the statements..Its on our  joint acct i took this from. He knows we took out (obviously..) a home equity(for the purpose of the new building purchase-business /limos), so the 40k was in there, less the 10k we threw in the business last month. Less 2 mortgage  pymnt (5k), that come out automatically from our joint.., so when the balance is saying just under 20k, he will know 'something is not right , esp I think they say 'bnk chk ', when a bank chk is written &  funds come straight from  your joint.. SO it will & would be noticible.

The thing is.. carol.. I had been told by Michael when ( lots many dont know ) I asked many yrs ago.. ' well, why did you marry then anways , since we have no 'marriage '  like we shud '.. Why not Stephanie ( a gal he met while seeing me , she lived in cali)?''  

And his  answer.. " I knew i can trust you with my life, my money /business , you wouldnt rob me blind..".

He is soo right, not my style. The only reason i even thought & did what i did w. the 5k is because  he told me he will cut off all my access to all money  when i told  him im leaving. I can understand  the business.I do. I  married into it, but the joint, we're we have our home equity(remember the hesitated  thoughts &  words the day of the closing, when i said .."wait, my names not on the dee ?".. and the laws of ohio married copuples w. a home had to be explained to me......)...Its still linked to me.  Its against my ss still , w. marriage .. so ..

 Other wise....Id never do what  I did .!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..but I didnt want to have to walk one day , if I learned something i hope I never find out about, and have no funds.. Like jet said.. Alimony. She is right, but I forgot about that, but  who knows how long a divorce can take. I hear some are  a longggg tiem...maybe  cuz those are tryignt o reconcile ??IDK...I have never been married  or divorced b4....So those are my reasons doing the 5k the way i did ..And yes, if the funds from the equity is going towrds the building, and we get divorced, he obviously got the extra funds w. my name attached, with no credit or not(me ), its cuz we were married &  had our home.. so anither reason.i knew, hed always have the business if i walked, and the building to sell.. why shud I miss out on 'something'.. 5k , is nothing compaired to what he will have afterwards.

ok gtg.

wheres our update ?

gtg

`me

i think I mght just throw thisinfo in my diary..  i needed to explain why I took the 5k.. for my peace of mind..lol

[dissapointedwife]

thnx for your kind words..and  giving me that hope  like you .. that I will move on, and things will be 'ok'..

Where have you been ? Hope your ok.

`me

[dissapointedwife]

Hey you .. hope your ok.

`me

[dissapointedwife]

I'm sorry about the pain that you are going through. Divorce is soo hard.  I am glad that you have people that support you and that you can see that as a Blessing!

   Have a Blessed Day!,

      Jewel

thank you for the nice compliment. I appreciate it.

Happy Mothers day .

`me

Nothing better than clearance rack shopping!  I love it!

I hope this weekend is blessed for you and you do not feel alone, but appreciated, needed and loved.   Happy Mother's Day to you.

One Out of Many

WOW..

thnx  for your comment, and the  list ..

I am going to print that on special stationary ( it has  sand off the ocean , with a beautiful sunset.)

Yes i will pin it near this pc, so i can  read it , and maybe he can read it too(cough cough )..

 thnx again..

hugs ..

`me

GO CAROL!! ..

 im  so happy for the finalization in papers.. congrats ..

I know this wknd has been very  , may I say successful w. the yard work. Now I have MUCHO mulch to lay everywhere, but at least the 'cleanup ' is done,..& i think Im ahead of the game(huh ? me , how can that be ).I see many that havnt even done that in my neighborhood.SO Im happy of the weather , with you . :)

 Wood floors.I know  when you see wood floors after many yrs of carpet. WOW!! .I seen this episode on  one of the 'home shows '.. this home was trying to sell, and  they just cudnt get a buyer.. well, as it stood, they tore up the carpet, and TOTALLY NEW wood floors were underneath ( they had lived there so many yrs, never even knew it was under carpet..weird ), but the house sold instantly. SO welcome to your new home, tear those carpets out, and get those paint brushes out!! And celebrate with a wonderful bar b q , if you have the time...

CHEERS TO YOU -- wish I can share a  frozen daquarie with you ..lol.

 GREAT job, stay happy.

((hugs ))

`me

talk about an upbeat, motivating entry!!!!

you make me want to spring clean too!  (sort of...lol).

Hello,

This working thing has kept me away from the computer.

I live in Illinois. About 60 miles southwest of Chicago. Where about in Michigan do you live? My husband worked near Grand Rapids for about 2 months last year. I stayed with him for a month at a little resort on the Croton-Hardy Dam.

Do you play softball too? I played for years until it conflicted with my kids baseball schedule.

Have a great day!

Liz

Dear Moon,

I read such details about your normal-life weekend and I realize that these are the days, in between the too-dramatic ones, that make up the real blessings of our lives.  Maybe we just watch too much TV these days.  I am blessed to be working with good people, in a job I love.  And I can't even begin to describe my wonderful marriage.  But to me it's making biscuits and riding bicycles and tinkering and laundry and kicking soccer balls that gives depth to happiness.

Thanks for writing,

[MontyMan]

Divorce is so hard. I met my ex at 15, married at 19 and almost lasted 20 yrs. He was all I knew. But as I matured and changed he stayed the same. I knew I wanted more out of life, traveling, being involved in the community, things he had no interest in.  He came from a large Catholic family also. You stayed together no matter what. I stayed until his mother passed. She was a huge part of my life. I finally relized I was drowning and had to save myself.

I totally left the wrong way. There is to many hard feelings left between us. He will never forgive me. If you can keep the lines of communication open, especially for the kids that is a huge plus.

Like you said take one day at a time.

When you have your "next time around" you will have learned. Learned what to do and what not to do.

Hang in there and try not to be so hard on yourself.

Liz

Hi. You won't find the beginning of B and me in this diary. I started writing here little more than a year ago. We met in college.

My friend M: I don't think she believes a baby will save her marriage exactly. She has one child already and really thought she'd be in a different place in her life by now (she is 28). But, like I said, she makes bad decisions and is constantly surprised by the repercussions. She married the wrong guy, simple as that. In fact, she married him twice, once in court and again in church. She knew better than to make it a sacrament the second time. You understand the difference since you were raised Catholic! Anyway, she is desperately unhappy in the marriage and I'm really at a loss sometimes as to what advice to offer when she comes crying to me. I think at this point she has committed to sticking it out. However, I know it will not be "till death." Her greatest desire in life is to have lots of babies. She just wants another (and another) no matter what price she has to pay. I understand her desire to have a family (boy, do I) but she has really backed herself into a corner. It's a shame.

So, now that you know more than you ever wanted to know about her...lol.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this..Being divorced for some time, I know how hard it can be. It's so great that you two are getting along for the childrens sake.

   Glad that everyone had a good Easter.

   Blessings to you!,

        Jewel

whenever something ends, we question ourselves until we are blue in the face.  don't think of yourself as a failure with your marriage ending.  simply tell yourself, it ended...because it wasn't meant to be.  and that means....whatever IS meant to be...is still coming.

and sometimes when we think we need someone, it's more of a habit that's hard to break than an actual need.  endings are hard.  but we are always stronger than we think we are.

always.

hang in there.